I guess now is the best time to start telling my problem.
i shall first state my concerns.
- The pressure of having a boyfriend and that i have to let my parents know about it.
-My social life is bad not cause i don't have any acquaintances, it's just that i don't have real friends i can turn to that actually listens to me.
-The conflict with 2 families in a house.
-self esteem
and lastly, KILLER BILL.

Since i came to Canada, the word "family" has lost its meaning in my eyes. It's like its so impossible to help each other without the incentives. It's like every man's for himself. And that's what i am. I keep everything to myself. I cant seem to find anyne i can fully trust without them judging me. It seem such a regret to come here in the eyes of my mother and i. We face everyday with the same thing in mind " I regret". What's there not to regret?
The family conflicts, the money, the lifestyle and everything. But mostly cause she cannot stand the way it revolves around the other family. If only for money matters, we would have stood on our own feet and there would be less burden on us all. But life doesn't go the way you plan. We're not wealthy. Especially not here. Our lives revolve in playing the cards right and making ends meet. We live each day at the edge of our seats. This is why the bill worries me. I see my parents fretting over debts and all i can give them is this huge phone bill that was wasted on my talking fingers and yet does it benefited me to the fullest? I believe not.
A pair of parents, a toddler and two teenagers spells chaos under one roof but add in another family and disaster is what it gives. You simply can't put two values and make it work. I'm pretty much in lost of words about how this is going about but my feelings about this current situation is not of a good one.
With that, I have to tell my parents i'm seeing someone. I hate it when it comes to this as i haven't build a close enough relationship with my parents where i can tell them everything. Because first of all, I'm a very secretive person. And also because my parents are the most judgemental people i know. How? Well, growing up i've always been fat and ugly. I have to go through everday with them telling me that and it gets really annoying. I can even remember what they say.
"hey! that girl's jacket looks nice!"
"yea sure!"
"well it only looks nice on skinny people"

"Actually you are pretty. You just have to lose weight"
Seriously, with parents like that, tell me, how can i not be defensive about what i believe in now? This answers you why my self esteem is so bad. I love being different and i don't care what anyone says about me. But it's my parent's were talking about here. The least they can do is give me words of encouragements but no. I can't go on withought a day where being me is just. It's always about being better. You have to be someone to make it. My parents are not supportive nor encouraging at all. That's why i can't trust them with my feelings as much as i want to. They are racist to a certain kind of people and my mom can even say " you even went to date that [YYY] ". It is after all my own prefrence which kind of people i date and nonetheless i am not discriminating anyone out of stereotypes built on by other experiences. Cause what mine is mine and i only take the account for my own actions and no one elses. I really don't like hiding things such as relationships and boys to my parents but i know who i can trust and who i cannot. And my parents are not one i can trust my feelings with. No matter how many times they tell me that it's okay for me to go to them in my times of need i'm not willing to open up that relationship any time soon. I'm bearing everything in my shoulders. Even though it's difficult, i have no choice but to face it alone. I'm tired reasoning out my beliefs. I don't have any reason why i do something in a certain way or talk in a certain ways or whatsoever. I dont need anyone telling me otherwise.
About the part that having a boyfriend right now is really stressing me out. I personally do not like being in a relationship but sometimes you fall in love and it flows that way. But in my situation right now, i cant promise that the fact the [XXX] is still talking to you. I am aware that this reasons out that because [XXX] is [XX]'s mother and i have no rights to say otherwise. But of course, i can feel inferior. She has a bigger part with you than i do at this moment and there's always this feeling of worry, just because. I honestly feel that this bigger problem with [XXX] and your family is because of me. I feel like i'm such a third party and sometimes i feel like i should just leave the way things it was before i came along. It's hard to work things out when i'm trying to open up to you but you don't do the same. I hope that you can trust me enough to share your problems with me cause the only way this relationship is going to work is that through communications.